Because God, that's why.

 

"God will not call the equipped, but rather equip those that He has called" -Unknown 

 

 

 

 

 

Well...With so many transitions around here, blogging has hit the back burner. But I am determined to stick with it. For journaling purposes, and as a resource as well.

 

Something happened yesterday, something that I had imagined but wasn't sure what it would look like. God knew. It was His work after all.

 

In the last 5 years, as I've watched my oldest son grow, and develop, and as we've jumped hurdles as a family, and moved past barriers, we have learned so much. Ethan was diagnosed with ASD, ADHD, and General Anxiety Disorder in October of 2013. We knew before the doctor's official "diagnosis", because we had been living with Ethan and had done research. We didn't need a label for him, really, but it was a good confirmation to have so that we could reach out and utilize resources for support and help.. Before that diagnosis?... We were lost. struggling. frustrated. exhausted. We had tried and failed many different types of discipline, teaching, rewards, parenting techniques, and still were left feeling so overwhelmed and a little hopeless honestly. He was quirky and tricky, and one day something would work, and the next day it would cause a major meltdown...he was like living with a ticking time bomb, and you never knew when an explosion would occur, or what would trigger it. We knew with school years looming that we had to make a decision. My heart has been to homeschool, and I kept Ethan home for preschool as a "trial" for that, but honestly it was a struggle. This boy is constantly on the go both physically and mentally, and it was nearly impossible for me to keep him engaged and stimulated and we were left in frustration. So what to do? Would he be successful in a classroom setting? Would it be overwhelming? Would he be able to control his hands and impulsive tendencies? Would the teacher be able to keep him engaged? How can we help him? Prepare him? You get the idea, many questions swirling..

 

To be real, I have gone through so many feelings and emotions as a mom.. Many that are normal just as a mom, learning the ways of mommyhood, juggling, multi-tasking, balancing. But some of the struggles were so trying, I found myself asking that horribly selfish question "why me?"... why was I chosen to be this boys' momma? why was I, the lazy, non structured, free spirited, selfish one, given a son who required all of me. My heart and my time and my effort. My tears and my attention. I struggled with frustration and anger on his behalf, watching him struggle.. "why cant he be normal?" "why does he have to be so sensitive?"  "why can most kids already use the potty, or ride their bikes?" ... may it be known that these questions, while real in the moment, are in their very essence destructive. Their source is Satan himself, and as we mom's sometimes strive to just get through the day, the last thing we need is comparison, or thoughts or feelings of insufficiency, along with constantly expecting more of our kids, and of ourselves as moms. But they swirled my mind, nonetheless.. "WHY GOD?"

 

Needless to say the answer is "Because God, that's why"...He CHOSE me. but it has been such a crazy process as God is working on my heart. Grasping this truth and taking it to heart. I am still learning, still being stretched, I am certain I will continue to as long as I am a mom {always}. But yesterday I got a bright glimpse into the "why me". Out of the blue, I got a call from a mom, someone I didnt know. My name and number were given to her as a potential resource. She has a 5 year old son. She's struggling. She suspects Autism/ADHD. On the phone she sounded drained. lost. exhausted. frustrated. concerned.

 

Thanks God, You knew didnt you? Just a year ago, I was sitting in her scary, frustrating shoes... I felt so weary of trying...Looking for answers, asking advice, picking people's brains. Let me be the first to say, we have not perfected parenting a child that has a few special needs and quirky tendencies, but boy, when you get to the point where you have a solid direction instead of feeling like you are drowning, you start seeing baby steps and progress, things start looking right up.

 

And now, having implemented several systems, gotten plugged in with the ESD, behavioral counseling, and finally started with Occupational Therapy I was actually able to say "I have some ideas!"

 

 

Woah. I told her upfront, I can throw some ideas her way, but of course every kid is different, but WOAH. She was asking me for ideas and I HAD some. A year ago, I would've just started crying along side her..."I hear ya sister, its hard!" I was so grateful that God had given me a chance to help someone. All the struggles and frustrations, the barriers ARENT for nothing. And best of all, to be able to be upfront and tell her "God made me Ethan's mom, and while I struggled with that, and struggle {still} with feeling sufficient, I am so grateful that God chose ME! And His Grace is sufficient enough for YOU too, and its not by chance that you are calling me now."

 

I feel like my heart is overflowing, blessed that God chose me to share, and to use His GRACE as an example. He knew. He did.

 

These crazy parents weren't equipped, but we have been called. My prayer is that as my kids grow, Ill continue to grow by faith. New stages and ages bring new challenges, but I am learning that I get to experience the very worst of my kids, and along with that the VERY BEST and I am grateful.

 

My advice to myself, and those that want it:  Simmer. Let God show you His ideas. They are usually so much cooler than we picture then in our finite brains. Then enjoy the blessing as it comes along.

The newest.

It's been too long.

 

So much can change in the course of a few short weeks.

 

 

Luke is starting to carry on 4-8 word conversations with me. Its so precious. It is so cool to slow down and watch him put the words together. He's getting it. I think he appreciates being able to articulate what he wants instead of screaming and grunting so much. He is growing well, and he has been so much healthier ever since we cut sugar out of the house.

 

Ethan is officially enrolled in kindergarten! I am equally excited and terrified for him. One of the hardest things to do as a Mama, is to knowingly put your children in a situation where they could potentially face big barriers.

Fall.

Get discouraged.

Make mistakes.

 

I know in my heart, that these things build character.. But having a child that has special needs, I feel like I long so much to protect him from those hurts even MORE. Maybe its because I know that he copes differently (sometimes not at all).. Maybe its because I know his heart, this tender-hearted, compassionate, sensitive boy. I know he will stumble. But my mission is to be there giving him the tools in his toolbelt to pick himself up and keep moving forward.

 

School. Woah. When I picked out and purchased a lunch box last week ($4.99 at grocery outlet score!) I swear I fast-forwarded in my mind to highschool graduation. What is it about being a mom, that begs for time to slow down, all the while, waiting for tomorrow to come? He hasn't seen his lunchbox yet, he will be SO excited. Its the little things right?....

 

We don't talk about school much with Ethan because he doesn't have a good sense of time, so he would keep thinking its "tomorrow".... But we are still mentally prepping, and focusing on establishing a good routine NOW, so the change isn't so ground-shaking come fall.

This is my newest routine board. Ethan's counselor suggested solid visual aids, to help alleviate some of the "nagging" from me, to help him focus and stay on task (some days this just isn't possible) and also to enable him to be more independent and take ownership of his own responsibilities. The board pictured above is specifically for his morning routine.

 

 I took a picture of him waiting for his morning clock to turn green to wake up, turning off his radio, brushing teeth, changing clothes, and putting the dirty laundry in the basket... this has been pretty effective as of recently with sufficient bribes motivation. This also gives me a chance to get breakfast ready, because we tend to have a LOT of struggles around impatience and rude words while waiting for meals. Cant blame him TOO much. I get crabby when I am hungry too.

 

I am planning to make another one for bedtime routine, then eventually for the daily flow.. (school type activities ect)

 

So, what's new with you?



VBS

Ethan participated in VBS when he was 2. He was technically too young but they let him tag along with the 3 year olds and he liked it.. He has changed a lot since then. He didn't remember that previous experience, and had no idea what we were in for when I took him to the first assembly for VBS this year. There were over 200 kids in the auditorium. They were screaming joyfully and playing a stomping game. They were everywhere. They. were. loud.

 

Ethan started shaking. Granted, it would be overwhelming for any 4 year old kiddo. But he was mesmerized and overwhelmed all at once. I had him sit with his friend in the 4 year old section and he seemed ok once he saw someone he recognized. I walked around to snap a few pictures, and I came back and he was screaming and crying.

 

"Mommy, I looked for you and I couldn't find you!" tears streaming... oh my heart he broke. Lesson learned. Too much. Too fast. I'm learning that Asbergers can cause little kids to be completely overstimulated. They hear, see, feel, touch, smell, everything around them, but completely amplified.. So if it is a crazy situation, they don't cope well. I knew that about him already. I should've been better prepared.

 

 We are talking about a boy who usually waves goodbye to me without a backward glance when he is off to play.. He was clearly distraught.

 

On a lighter note, once the big loud crowd dispersed into the smaller classes, he was mostly back to his normal self. By the third day he knew what to expect, I gave him a calming remedy before hand and he handled it like a champ. Since I was the photographer for VBS, I got the benefit of checking in on him periodically from a distance if needed. 

 

At the end of the third day he was begging me to go back. He sings the songs they have been learning constantly, in the bathtub, in the car, at the dinner table.. He told me this morning "we love God, don't we mom?".. Its been tough to see him struggle, but I have been praying for him in these stressful moments. Praying that the yield would be worth it. Praying that God would protect his little mind and heart from the stress. And that as Im hearing the kids reciting Bible verses as I walk through the halls, that my Ethan would be hiding God's words in his heart. Im so thankful for all of the volunteers that put together such a big busy week to give us a huge opportunity to give all of these 200+ kids Jesus.

 



 



Listening to the Bible story (with his special blankie of course)

 

He made a keychain!

 

 He was very proud

 



 

 

He seems to hang by himself when things are busy or a little crazy. Just sitting and observing everyone else.

 

 

Understanding Ethan

So here's the thing. Us parents, theoretically, we know our kids best. We know what makes them tick. We know their ups and downs, their in and outs. Every quirk and funny face. We know the foods they like, love, and dislike. Their favorite color and toy and blanket. We know them best.

This is true for both of my kids, but I referring specifically to my oldest son Ethan. Let me tell you a little (or a lot) about him. He just turned 4.

He is smart. And when I say smart, I mean, has a photographic-memory-absorbent of-anything-he-hears-blows-my-IQ-out-of-the-water-smart. He began speaking early but what I noticed first was the CONTENT of his words. I remember people commenting on his vocabulary, and his apparent "understanding" of so many words at such a young age. His ability to mimic and recite has always been sharp. I remember when he was 2 years old, calling into a radio station and he recited a Bible verse over the radio. Smarty Pants. To this day he spends most of his words quoting movies verbatim. He is like a constant stream of movie lines and quotes. I was a part of the Easter production last year and he had most of the lines of most of the characters memorized before I did. He knew his entire alphabet by age 3, which isn't unusual, but he also knew the sounds that each letter makes, the difference between upper and lower case, and before he hit 4 years old was already sounding out and reading small words. He also knew his colors, but not just red,blue and green, he also knew turquoise, and tan...Not trying to brag, but once I got started.. well I digress.

My boy is smart.

He is affectionate. He loves to snuggle. He will randomly tell me "mommy, I wuv you".

He likes to listen to bedtime stories. He loves bath time. And cookies. He has always had a deep passion for cars and trains. If you know this little boy, you know that he could identify each and every train in the "Thomas" series, along with their color, name, and I.D. number.

Some other things about my Ethan that I noticed at a very young age, was that he didn't (and doesn't) usually make direct eye contact. Even if I ask him to look at my eyes, he avoids it. It seems painful for him. If he is relaxed and comfortable around someone he will make brief eye contact but its very short.He also from a very early age preferred to play by himself. Whether in a group, or with one other child, whether with family, or new friends, he was/is perfectly content to play on his own. These are a few of many things (we could call them red flags I suppose) that while I have been acutely aware of, was not attune to the fact that they could potentially mean something was wrong or different about my son. When he was 18 months, and i noticed these 2 big factors about him, my mind instantly went to Autism. But being that he didn't  show any other main signs of Autism, i wrote it off in my mind. Thinking "its just him, its just how he is."... years later, as other "signs" became very apparent, I decided to do a little more research.

Here is what I have found: Meet Asberger's Syndrome. A highly functioning form of Autism.

I recently met with a fellow mom (Her name is Sheri, and she is fantastic) She has a 7 year old son with Asberger's. She was able to give me a little insight (and loaned me a great book) regarding children with Asberger's. Here is a glimpse of what I have learned-

This is a "generic" list of common signs/symptoms of Asbergers:

• Difficulties making eye contact -This one rings true for E, he started avoiding eye contact (that we noticed) around 18-24 months. One theory for Asbergers, is that there is so much emotion and feeling in ones eyes, that the amount of stimuli is just too much for these people to cope with. There have even been reports of some Asbergers people saying that it causes physical pain or burning to keep eye contact.  If you ever see a photograph of Ethan, its usually one out of 20 where he would NOT look at the camera. I usually have to bribe him to get him to look at the camera, and it will usually be a picture of him looking just off to the side, or making a pretty silly or awkward face. I always thought he was just being stubborn.
• Dislike being held as young children. This used to confuse me. I always thought maybe i didn't bond correctly with E. He would arch his back and try and be put down. I assumed he was just not a snugly guy...
• Heightened sensitivity to stimuli- I like to think of this as Ethan having a magnifying glass for everything he sees, hears, and smells. He picks up on EVERYthing. When he wakes from a nap, instead of saying "mmm something smells good, did you bake?" he says "MMM you baked pumpkin muffins!"...clothes that make him itch or irritate him REALLY make him itch and irritated. He can hear a train in the distance before the dog can. His peripheral vision is on high alert and he is constantly looking and observing EVERything around him..and talking about everything around him. If i re-arrange the spice rack he notices something is different. This hyper focused, hyperactive state made me think that he had ADHD...
• Lack of ability to pick up on social cues -This one is interesting, because how this translates for E, is that he doesn't understand "inside jokes".. he sees a funny facial expression and doesn't get it. If someone seems uncomfortable he cant understand why.
• Difficulty understanding other people's feelings and emotions- Lack of empathy is common. I am guilty of accusing him of being flat out selfish, because when a person is incapable of "putting themselves in your shoes," they come off as completely indifferent and self-centered. I was mistaken about Ethan. He is actually very generous and thoughtful, when it OCCURS to him...
• Problems adjusting behaviour to fit in with others- i haven't noticed this too much, mostly i think because he is still young. and hasn't spent a lot of long periods of time with peers.
• Conversation can tend to be one-sided (all their way)- This boy ALWAYS has to have the last say, he talks endlessly about what he knows because its comfortable for him to talk about.
• Literal interpretation of language- Oh boy- this is a struggle. Figures of speech are so LOST on this guy. "racking my brain" or saying something like "I'm pooped" when I'm tired, he takes these terms LITERALLY. so he will ask if i pooped, or ask whats wrong with my brain. I have learned, that if i say something, i need to mean it, because he will remember it  that way i said it. And he is quick to correct me if i change it. Often Seth and I will say something in passing like "That workout kicked my rear" and we end up telling him "never mind" because it starts a whole gamut of questions. DON'T say "take a hike!" whatever you do, unless you are prepared to take him on one.
• Repetitious behavior/ obsessive tendencies- when he was 2, and started arranging his pillows a certain way, we thought it was cute. When he insisted that his "Thomas" pillow be turned upside down and facing right, and his "lightning McQueen" pillow on the left facing down, we started to look twice.. and among other OCD type behaviors, we have always noticed the need for this consistency..
• "tantrums" or "meltdowns" when plans are changed/Heightened emotional response- oh. boy. howdy!... We all know that tantrums are pretty consistent with toddler-hood. But this is different. These are extreme "flash fire" tantrums i call them. If we change plans we have to do it very carefully and explain very thoroughly, along with usually offering incentives to make it worth his while and distract him from the "scary changes" in his schedule. If he is playing cars and has them lined up meticulously and his baby brother so much as LOOKS at them, he instantly bursts into tears. I always thought he had anxiety.
• Have restricted or obsessive interests that make them seem like 'walking encyclopaedias' about particular topics- Well if you know my boy you already know, Cars and trains..not just a passion, but a deep obsession, and like i said earlier, he could tell you each of their names, colors, id numbers ect, who gave him which one at which birthday, or Christmas ect.... (along with any electronic devices, his precious video games and movies)
• A preference for rules and routines- toddlers again- appreciate routine and thrive on it. Well this is even more concentrated for children with Asbergers. If we deter from routine it results in more meltdowns, more anxiety, and more stress.

So, on the surface, a lot of these things align with common characteristics of toddlers..And could be missed altogether as signs of Asbergers. But the main difference is the extreme to which these symptoms are manifested. And I believe the most common reason that most children are not diagnosed at this age, is because they haven't had a large volume of opportunities to show how these things affect their social behavior.. which would explain why school-age children are more commonly diagnosed. Having said all that, I would say that the most interesting thing is that we already thought we knew all of this about our son..and we thought we knew some of the causes (ADHD, ANXIETY, OCD)... but turns out we never.truly.knew.why.

Asbergers is our "why" and while I'm still battling over the thought of my son being considered on the "autism spectrum," my heart is also happy that I have discovered some very key things on how my sweet boy's brain works. With this knowledge we can understand him better,  learn to communicate with him better, it drives and motivates us to be more understanding and patient of him... We plan to eventually have him professionally evaluated and "diagnosed"... but I'm already convinced with what I know, that he exemplifies a "textbook Aspie" as the slang goes. So now we move forward.

How about you? Do you know of anyone with Asbergers?