Because God, that's why.

 

"God will not call the equipped, but rather equip those that He has called" -Unknown 

 

 

 

 

 

Well...With so many transitions around here, blogging has hit the back burner. But I am determined to stick with it. For journaling purposes, and as a resource as well.

 

Something happened yesterday, something that I had imagined but wasn't sure what it would look like. God knew. It was His work after all.

 

In the last 5 years, as I've watched my oldest son grow, and develop, and as we've jumped hurdles as a family, and moved past barriers, we have learned so much. Ethan was diagnosed with ASD, ADHD, and General Anxiety Disorder in October of 2013. We knew before the doctor's official "diagnosis", because we had been living with Ethan and had done research. We didn't need a label for him, really, but it was a good confirmation to have so that we could reach out and utilize resources for support and help.. Before that diagnosis?... We were lost. struggling. frustrated. exhausted. We had tried and failed many different types of discipline, teaching, rewards, parenting techniques, and still were left feeling so overwhelmed and a little hopeless honestly. He was quirky and tricky, and one day something would work, and the next day it would cause a major meltdown...he was like living with a ticking time bomb, and you never knew when an explosion would occur, or what would trigger it. We knew with school years looming that we had to make a decision. My heart has been to homeschool, and I kept Ethan home for preschool as a "trial" for that, but honestly it was a struggle. This boy is constantly on the go both physically and mentally, and it was nearly impossible for me to keep him engaged and stimulated and we were left in frustration. So what to do? Would he be successful in a classroom setting? Would it be overwhelming? Would he be able to control his hands and impulsive tendencies? Would the teacher be able to keep him engaged? How can we help him? Prepare him? You get the idea, many questions swirling..

 

To be real, I have gone through so many feelings and emotions as a mom.. Many that are normal just as a mom, learning the ways of mommyhood, juggling, multi-tasking, balancing. But some of the struggles were so trying, I found myself asking that horribly selfish question "why me?"... why was I chosen to be this boys' momma? why was I, the lazy, non structured, free spirited, selfish one, given a son who required all of me. My heart and my time and my effort. My tears and my attention. I struggled with frustration and anger on his behalf, watching him struggle.. "why cant he be normal?" "why does he have to be so sensitive?"  "why can most kids already use the potty, or ride their bikes?" ... may it be known that these questions, while real in the moment, are in their very essence destructive. Their source is Satan himself, and as we mom's sometimes strive to just get through the day, the last thing we need is comparison, or thoughts or feelings of insufficiency, along with constantly expecting more of our kids, and of ourselves as moms. But they swirled my mind, nonetheless.. "WHY GOD?"

 

Needless to say the answer is "Because God, that's why"...He CHOSE me. but it has been such a crazy process as God is working on my heart. Grasping this truth and taking it to heart. I am still learning, still being stretched, I am certain I will continue to as long as I am a mom {always}. But yesterday I got a bright glimpse into the "why me". Out of the blue, I got a call from a mom, someone I didnt know. My name and number were given to her as a potential resource. She has a 5 year old son. She's struggling. She suspects Autism/ADHD. On the phone she sounded drained. lost. exhausted. frustrated. concerned.

 

Thanks God, You knew didnt you? Just a year ago, I was sitting in her scary, frustrating shoes... I felt so weary of trying...Looking for answers, asking advice, picking people's brains. Let me be the first to say, we have not perfected parenting a child that has a few special needs and quirky tendencies, but boy, when you get to the point where you have a solid direction instead of feeling like you are drowning, you start seeing baby steps and progress, things start looking right up.

 

And now, having implemented several systems, gotten plugged in with the ESD, behavioral counseling, and finally started with Occupational Therapy I was actually able to say "I have some ideas!"

 

 

Woah. I told her upfront, I can throw some ideas her way, but of course every kid is different, but WOAH. She was asking me for ideas and I HAD some. A year ago, I would've just started crying along side her..."I hear ya sister, its hard!" I was so grateful that God had given me a chance to help someone. All the struggles and frustrations, the barriers ARENT for nothing. And best of all, to be able to be upfront and tell her "God made me Ethan's mom, and while I struggled with that, and struggle {still} with feeling sufficient, I am so grateful that God chose ME! And His Grace is sufficient enough for YOU too, and its not by chance that you are calling me now."

 

I feel like my heart is overflowing, blessed that God chose me to share, and to use His GRACE as an example. He knew. He did.

 

These crazy parents weren't equipped, but we have been called. My prayer is that as my kids grow, Ill continue to grow by faith. New stages and ages bring new challenges, but I am learning that I get to experience the very worst of my kids, and along with that the VERY BEST and I am grateful.

 

My advice to myself, and those that want it:  Simmer. Let God show you His ideas. They are usually so much cooler than we picture then in our finite brains. Then enjoy the blessing as it comes along.

The newest.

It's been too long.

 

So much can change in the course of a few short weeks.

 

 

Luke is starting to carry on 4-8 word conversations with me. Its so precious. It is so cool to slow down and watch him put the words together. He's getting it. I think he appreciates being able to articulate what he wants instead of screaming and grunting so much. He is growing well, and he has been so much healthier ever since we cut sugar out of the house.

 

Ethan is officially enrolled in kindergarten! I am equally excited and terrified for him. One of the hardest things to do as a Mama, is to knowingly put your children in a situation where they could potentially face big barriers.

Fall.

Get discouraged.

Make mistakes.

 

I know in my heart, that these things build character.. But having a child that has special needs, I feel like I long so much to protect him from those hurts even MORE. Maybe its because I know that he copes differently (sometimes not at all).. Maybe its because I know his heart, this tender-hearted, compassionate, sensitive boy. I know he will stumble. But my mission is to be there giving him the tools in his toolbelt to pick himself up and keep moving forward.

 

School. Woah. When I picked out and purchased a lunch box last week ($4.99 at grocery outlet score!) I swear I fast-forwarded in my mind to highschool graduation. What is it about being a mom, that begs for time to slow down, all the while, waiting for tomorrow to come? He hasn't seen his lunchbox yet, he will be SO excited. Its the little things right?....

 

We don't talk about school much with Ethan because he doesn't have a good sense of time, so he would keep thinking its "tomorrow".... But we are still mentally prepping, and focusing on establishing a good routine NOW, so the change isn't so ground-shaking come fall.

This is my newest routine board. Ethan's counselor suggested solid visual aids, to help alleviate some of the "nagging" from me, to help him focus and stay on task (some days this just isn't possible) and also to enable him to be more independent and take ownership of his own responsibilities. The board pictured above is specifically for his morning routine.

 

 I took a picture of him waiting for his morning clock to turn green to wake up, turning off his radio, brushing teeth, changing clothes, and putting the dirty laundry in the basket... this has been pretty effective as of recently with sufficient bribes motivation. This also gives me a chance to get breakfast ready, because we tend to have a LOT of struggles around impatience and rude words while waiting for meals. Cant blame him TOO much. I get crabby when I am hungry too.

 

I am planning to make another one for bedtime routine, then eventually for the daily flow.. (school type activities ect)

 

So, what's new with you?



school days.. the big decision.

Its a little crazy to believe my oldest son will be 5 in May. Im trying to grapple with the fact that im nearly 1/3 of the way through his childhood. How does this happen?!



Seth and I have been discussing, praying about, and considering the different options for Ethan's education since he was born. We have always felt that public school was not the route we wanted to take with our kids, although we considered it for a time..

You see I was in public school until 3rd grade. I was pulled out because there was an abusive situation in our classroom (me included unfortunately)... and it was that situation, coupled with the fact that my very smart, ADHD brother was struggling in school, our parents decided that God was calling them to the homeschool road. From what I remember, and understand, my older brother was bored. He wasn't being challenged..  and as a result he was getting into trouble.

We took to homeschool pretty well, although I remember mom struggling to keep my brother on task, and I always struggled with math and often needed the aid of a math tutor. We changed curriculum often to try and find what fit best. Some of my favorite memories of being homeschooled are what brought me to even consider homeschooling my kids...Being able to get my schoolwork done in a few short hours, then having the rest of the day to do as I pleased. We lived on 5 acres and had a menagerie of animals. I took a special interest in horses, and got involved in 4-H. I spent so much time running in the woods, the field, playing by the creek looking for crawdads, building forts, and spending countless hours in my room reading piles and piles of books. We traveled with my parents, and we able to do that without concern about school schedules. Our school day was customized to fit our personalities and learning styles. We were also involved in a weekly co-op of other homeschool families to collaborate and teach more specialized classes... chemistry, Spanish, art, drama, speech, poetry, sewing... these are just a few that I remember. I have great memories of homeschool and some of the freedoms that came along with it, but there were some struggles too. As I got older, my mom and I didn't see eye to eye on a lot. As my studies got more advanced and required more one on one tutoring I lacked motivation. We fought constantly. In hindsight, I also wish that I had gotten involved in a team sport. There are friends that I know, that did a sport all through school, and they have built skills in that area along with lifelong friendships having that sport in common. I was involved in the horseback riding and competing, but I was expensive (although team sports often aren't cheap either).. and I eventually had to sell all 3 of my horses.

When I was a sophomore in homeschool, I summoned the courage to ask my parents if they would be willing to consider allowing me to enter a private school setting my junior year, (as opposed to public school)... after some thought they decided I was mature enough to handle it so we gave it a try. There were things about it I loved-- Band for instance. How fun! I played the percussion, rotating from snare drum, to bells, xylophone, triangle, cymbals, crash cymbal... we even went to 2 competitions.

So exciting for this homeschooled farm girl!...we had chapel once a week and got to do worship and Bible study. I also loved that the teachers genuinely cared.. They wanted to be there. They had a heart and passion to teach and for us to excel. And they were believers, which brought a nice umbrella of comfort when it came to conflict with other students, or struggles with homework or assignments. But there were difficulties there as well. For one, private school was SPENDY. I haven't had a chance to thank my parents for it, but I appreciate that they paid for me to go. It was also an hour drive, and while I carpooled with a friend, it was still 2 hours out of my day.

Which brings me to my {2nd} junior year... my parents and I agreed that attempting public school my final year of highschool might be ok considering I had adjusted so well to the private school setting. A lot of the curriculum I knew already, and in some ways it was boring for me. The only problem is that when I attempted to transfer into public school my Bible class credits did not transfer.. So I had a decision to make. Continue on the 1 hour drive, expensive school for 1 year, or 5 minute drive free school for 2.... I ended up choosing public school and actually redid my junior year. I had quite a bit of free periods because of the amount/type of credits I was lacking. I spent much of my time in the photography lab and pottery studio which is what ignited my passion for both.. most of the other classes were pretty lame to be honest. I learned little, and spent a lot of time watching students around me with bad attitudes and petty drama. But I can honestly say im glad I was able to experience this last schooling time. If not for it I would never have had the chance to do what some people would think to be silly. I would've never been to a homecoming football game. Never have been a prom princess... Never have learned to use a locker combination.. but most of all, never had the chance to learn about ceramics and photography. I use these skills still today and they are a big part of who I am.

Seth on the other hand.. he was in public school from start to finish. He graduated valedictorian from his class (show off ;)  ) But he doesn't feel like much of highschool really prepped him for the real world, or for college with the exception of one humanities class..

So we have all of these experiences to pull from, and one really big decision to make. But how do you decide for someone that isn't you?... How do you know what is best until you try?

So. This past year, I decided that I would homeschool Ethan instead of sending him to a public pre-school. I was determined to do it, and do it well, and even had hopes of enjoying it. I to, got him involved in a weekly co-op and he has been enjoying it. This last week as I shared, he wrote his name for the first time, and I cant begin to tell you how accomplished that made ME feel. Wow! He really is absorbing some of this stuff! But the downside, (there always seems to be one?)... We struggled, Ethan and I.. struggled to focus, struggled to stay on task, I struggled to keep my cool. I spend my whole day correcting, teaching, guiding, refereeing... and on TOP of that to add school, its just so much. To be honest I think he has begun to hate the sound of my voice (the hint I got was when he covered his ears and yelled "PLEASE STOP TALKING")

With all this being said, Seth and I have always just had a sense that our sweet Ethan guy would potentially get lost in a public school system. When he had his official Autism/ADHD diagnosis, it further confirmed our thoughts about that. I am certain that there are excellent schools, along with incredible teachers (ive experienced a few) that long to teach and see kids truly reach their potential. But we just feel like Ethan in particular would struggle in the larger, streamlined environment.

So writing off public school and homeschool doesn't leave a lot of options really... So I started looking into the local Christian private school. It wasn't around when I was in school, how handy would that have been? I spent some time there yesterday, meeting with the kindergarten teacher, observing the class, and also spent some time one on one with the administrator... What a great setup. Class sizes no larger than 16. Teachers who are Christ-followers, passionate and great at what they do... they have 1 child who is on the autism spectrum in kindergarten, so its not a new concept to the school. The teacher mentioned that if a child was having struggles, they were allowed some quiet time in the office, or even a nap if necessary...They recognize and accommodate the state IEP, which was a HUGE deal for me, incase Ethan needs one. They even said I could bring Ethan by to tag along and be a kindergartner for half a day, to see if he likes it. How awesome!

I know what you are thinking.. "Awesome! Sign him up!" Haha.. me too. I told Seth, wow, Ethan would LOVE this place. He loves people. He is not good at carrying a conversation, we are working on his social, and verbal skills, but he LOVES being around friends. This all seems way too good to be true. So we decided to pray about it more. We want to do what is best for Ethan obviously, but there is one more barrier to get past. Tuition.... WHY does private school have to be so spendy? We have applied for financial assistance through the school, and haven't yet heard back if we qualify, but unfortunately, even if we qualify, the most it would cover would be 40% of tuition... were still looking at several hundred dollars a month over our budget. Its just not in the piggy bank..And so we are praying for open doors. I am standing in faith that if God wants Ethan to be there, He will provide. I am so excited at the peace I have about this whole situation... God is so good, and if it doesn't work out, we will cross that bridge when it comes, if it comes...

meanwhile, back to working on letters, numbers, and manners. :)