Understanding Ethan

So here's the thing. Us parents, theoretically, we know our kids best. We know what makes them tick. We know their ups and downs, their in and outs. Every quirk and funny face. We know the foods they like, love, and dislike. Their favorite color and toy and blanket. We know them best.

This is true for both of my kids, but I referring specifically to my oldest son Ethan. Let me tell you a little (or a lot) about him. He just turned 4.

He is smart. And when I say smart, I mean, has a photographic-memory-absorbent of-anything-he-hears-blows-my-IQ-out-of-the-water-smart. He began speaking early but what I noticed first was the CONTENT of his words. I remember people commenting on his vocabulary, and his apparent "understanding" of so many words at such a young age. His ability to mimic and recite has always been sharp. I remember when he was 2 years old, calling into a radio station and he recited a Bible verse over the radio. Smarty Pants. To this day he spends most of his words quoting movies verbatim. He is like a constant stream of movie lines and quotes. I was a part of the Easter production last year and he had most of the lines of most of the characters memorized before I did. He knew his entire alphabet by age 3, which isn't unusual, but he also knew the sounds that each letter makes, the difference between upper and lower case, and before he hit 4 years old was already sounding out and reading small words. He also knew his colors, but not just red,blue and green, he also knew turquoise, and tan...Not trying to brag, but once I got started.. well I digress.

My boy is smart.

He is affectionate. He loves to snuggle. He will randomly tell me "mommy, I wuv you".

He likes to listen to bedtime stories. He loves bath time. And cookies. He has always had a deep passion for cars and trains. If you know this little boy, you know that he could identify each and every train in the "Thomas" series, along with their color, name, and I.D. number.

Some other things about my Ethan that I noticed at a very young age, was that he didn't (and doesn't) usually make direct eye contact. Even if I ask him to look at my eyes, he avoids it. It seems painful for him. If he is relaxed and comfortable around someone he will make brief eye contact but its very short.He also from a very early age preferred to play by himself. Whether in a group, or with one other child, whether with family, or new friends, he was/is perfectly content to play on his own. These are a few of many things (we could call them red flags I suppose) that while I have been acutely aware of, was not attune to the fact that they could potentially mean something was wrong or different about my son. When he was 18 months, and i noticed these 2 big factors about him, my mind instantly went to Autism. But being that he didn't  show any other main signs of Autism, i wrote it off in my mind. Thinking "its just him, its just how he is."... years later, as other "signs" became very apparent, I decided to do a little more research.

Here is what I have found: Meet Asberger's Syndrome. A highly functioning form of Autism.

I recently met with a fellow mom (Her name is Sheri, and she is fantastic) She has a 7 year old son with Asberger's. She was able to give me a little insight (and loaned me a great book) regarding children with Asberger's. Here is a glimpse of what I have learned-

This is a "generic" list of common signs/symptoms of Asbergers:

• Difficulties making eye contact -This one rings true for E, he started avoiding eye contact (that we noticed) around 18-24 months. One theory for Asbergers, is that there is so much emotion and feeling in ones eyes, that the amount of stimuli is just too much for these people to cope with. There have even been reports of some Asbergers people saying that it causes physical pain or burning to keep eye contact.  If you ever see a photograph of Ethan, its usually one out of 20 where he would NOT look at the camera. I usually have to bribe him to get him to look at the camera, and it will usually be a picture of him looking just off to the side, or making a pretty silly or awkward face. I always thought he was just being stubborn.
• Dislike being held as young children. This used to confuse me. I always thought maybe i didn't bond correctly with E. He would arch his back and try and be put down. I assumed he was just not a snugly guy...
• Heightened sensitivity to stimuli- I like to think of this as Ethan having a magnifying glass for everything he sees, hears, and smells. He picks up on EVERYthing. When he wakes from a nap, instead of saying "mmm something smells good, did you bake?" he says "MMM you baked pumpkin muffins!"...clothes that make him itch or irritate him REALLY make him itch and irritated. He can hear a train in the distance before the dog can. His peripheral vision is on high alert and he is constantly looking and observing EVERything around him..and talking about everything around him. If i re-arrange the spice rack he notices something is different. This hyper focused, hyperactive state made me think that he had ADHD...
• Lack of ability to pick up on social cues -This one is interesting, because how this translates for E, is that he doesn't understand "inside jokes".. he sees a funny facial expression and doesn't get it. If someone seems uncomfortable he cant understand why.
• Difficulty understanding other people's feelings and emotions- Lack of empathy is common. I am guilty of accusing him of being flat out selfish, because when a person is incapable of "putting themselves in your shoes," they come off as completely indifferent and self-centered. I was mistaken about Ethan. He is actually very generous and thoughtful, when it OCCURS to him...
• Problems adjusting behaviour to fit in with others- i haven't noticed this too much, mostly i think because he is still young. and hasn't spent a lot of long periods of time with peers.
• Conversation can tend to be one-sided (all their way)- This boy ALWAYS has to have the last say, he talks endlessly about what he knows because its comfortable for him to talk about.
• Literal interpretation of language- Oh boy- this is a struggle. Figures of speech are so LOST on this guy. "racking my brain" or saying something like "I'm pooped" when I'm tired, he takes these terms LITERALLY. so he will ask if i pooped, or ask whats wrong with my brain. I have learned, that if i say something, i need to mean it, because he will remember it  that way i said it. And he is quick to correct me if i change it. Often Seth and I will say something in passing like "That workout kicked my rear" and we end up telling him "never mind" because it starts a whole gamut of questions. DON'T say "take a hike!" whatever you do, unless you are prepared to take him on one.
• Repetitious behavior/ obsessive tendencies- when he was 2, and started arranging his pillows a certain way, we thought it was cute. When he insisted that his "Thomas" pillow be turned upside down and facing right, and his "lightning McQueen" pillow on the left facing down, we started to look twice.. and among other OCD type behaviors, we have always noticed the need for this consistency..
• "tantrums" or "meltdowns" when plans are changed/Heightened emotional response- oh. boy. howdy!... We all know that tantrums are pretty consistent with toddler-hood. But this is different. These are extreme "flash fire" tantrums i call them. If we change plans we have to do it very carefully and explain very thoroughly, along with usually offering incentives to make it worth his while and distract him from the "scary changes" in his schedule. If he is playing cars and has them lined up meticulously and his baby brother so much as LOOKS at them, he instantly bursts into tears. I always thought he had anxiety.
• Have restricted or obsessive interests that make them seem like 'walking encyclopaedias' about particular topics- Well if you know my boy you already know, Cars and trains..not just a passion, but a deep obsession, and like i said earlier, he could tell you each of their names, colors, id numbers ect, who gave him which one at which birthday, or Christmas ect.... (along with any electronic devices, his precious video games and movies)
• A preference for rules and routines- toddlers again- appreciate routine and thrive on it. Well this is even more concentrated for children with Asbergers. If we deter from routine it results in more meltdowns, more anxiety, and more stress.

So, on the surface, a lot of these things align with common characteristics of toddlers..And could be missed altogether as signs of Asbergers. But the main difference is the extreme to which these symptoms are manifested. And I believe the most common reason that most children are not diagnosed at this age, is because they haven't had a large volume of opportunities to show how these things affect their social behavior.. which would explain why school-age children are more commonly diagnosed. Having said all that, I would say that the most interesting thing is that we already thought we knew all of this about our son..and we thought we knew some of the causes (ADHD, ANXIETY, OCD)... but turns out we never.truly.knew.why.

Asbergers is our "why" and while I'm still battling over the thought of my son being considered on the "autism spectrum," my heart is also happy that I have discovered some very key things on how my sweet boy's brain works. With this knowledge we can understand him better,  learn to communicate with him better, it drives and motivates us to be more understanding and patient of him... We plan to eventually have him professionally evaluated and "diagnosed"... but I'm already convinced with what I know, that he exemplifies a "textbook Aspie" as the slang goes. So now we move forward.

How about you? Do you know of anyone with Asbergers?